Dear Miss Cynical,
I heard that the world is going to end soon. I know this isn't true. However, I have friends who believe that it will and insist that if I don't accept Jesus as my savior, then I'm going to spend the next 5 months drowning in lava or something silly like that. How can I say "I told you so'" in a way that doesn't make me come off like a jerk?
Little Miss Heathen
Dear Little Miss Heathen
I don't like to say "I told you." I'm often right about things and I have had many opportunities to do so. Like when I said "Psh, there's no WMDs in Iraq, Bush is whack, yo!" (I totally talk like this) or when I insisted that Y2K was no big. It's rude and, anyway, you're just stating the obvious.
Instead of being a smug douche bag, I prefer to simply laugh and laugh and laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, some say, and as someone who has no money to spend on real medicine, I could use all the cheap medicine I can get. So tomorrow (today?), when no one is vacuumed into heaven, when earthquakes don't systematically destroy each time zone one by one, when Jesus doesn't come back, don't say "I told you so!" Your friends will just find an excuse for their misplaced beliefs. You won't change their minds. You won't even impress them with how clever you are.
Instead, laugh at your friends. Then find new friends. Maybe a cat. Cats don't even believe in Jesus, let alone that he's ever going to return.
Miss Cynical
p.s. - In case someone feels as if I'm attacking their Christian beliefs, then let me make you this (secular) offer: on December 20th, 2012, I will re-post this entry. I will re-post it because I know a frenzy will begin over this whole Mayan calendar nonsense. Because these "it's the end of the world!" claims are just that: nonsense. The world isn't going anywhere... unless aliens decide to demolish it to make way for a bypass. So I'm just gonna sit back, relax, laugh and revel in the knowledge that tomorrow will come and go in just the same way every other day has.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Cell Phone Etiquette
Dear Miss Cynical,
I get so bored when I'm driving in my car. The radio isn't entertaining enough and all the signs on the side of the road are really lame. So when I see that I have a text or call, I immediately answer. But now all these news stories are like, don't text and drive or you'll die! And cops are pulling people over for it and I'm worried they'll catch me. But driving is so boring and it's so rude to ignore my friends and family if they call or text! I don't know what to do!
Little Miss Socially Connected
Dear Little Miss Socially Connected
Sorry the scenery isn't pretty enough for you. I'm sure your iPhone is much nicer to look at, that's why you just ran that red light, right? Oh, you didn't realize you ran that red like because Amber was sending you a text about the sweet new heels she bought for sale at Urban Outfitters? Yeah, that's fascinating. Totally worth risking the lives of the people around you.
Look, nothing you're saying is important. Nothing you're talking about via text or over voice is a pressing matter. Is your mother/father/sister/aunt/boyfriend/dog in the hospital, about to keel over and die? What's that? They aren't? And if they were you certainly wouldn't be wasting your time on the phone but rather would be driving at top speed, concentrating solely upon getting to that hospital? Thought so.
"Aw, but if I don't take this call/answer this text then I won't get the topping on the pizza I want! My mom is about to order pizza and she doesn't know what I want!" I never met a pizza where I couldn't just pick off any of the toppings that I didn't like. Unless your mom insists upon ordering a cheese-less pizza covered in anchovy paste and shaved coconut, in which case, I'm willing to bet she'll order a second pizza for you and will therefore wait for you to come home.
It's not like you travel more than 20 miles from wherever it is that you live on a regular basis, how long can it possibly take you to get where you're going that you can't just wait? The status of the person who sent you that text/called you probably isn't going to change in 30 minutes. If Billy calls to ask you out on Saturday night, he's not going to change his mind just because you didn't pick up. "Gee, I guess Sally must be out dating other boys. Better try some other girl. Maybe I'll call Amber, I bet SHE texts and drives!"
You know what's rude? Insisting upon operating a vehicle that you're not even interested in. They have buses if you're too distracted to drive. "Oh, but buses are full of dirty poor people, gross!" you say? Oh good, then you won't be opposed to walking. "But it's so far!" Yeah, well, it's time to prioritize. You can either stay put until your social life dies down or you can unplug yourself from everyone you know for 30 minutes and drive with respect for your fellow human beings. I'm sure your friends and family will still be there when you get out of your car. If they're not, even better! Now you can save on that data plan!
Miss Cynical
I get so bored when I'm driving in my car. The radio isn't entertaining enough and all the signs on the side of the road are really lame. So when I see that I have a text or call, I immediately answer. But now all these news stories are like, don't text and drive or you'll die! And cops are pulling people over for it and I'm worried they'll catch me. But driving is so boring and it's so rude to ignore my friends and family if they call or text! I don't know what to do!
Little Miss Socially Connected
Dear Little Miss Socially Connected
Sorry the scenery isn't pretty enough for you. I'm sure your iPhone is much nicer to look at, that's why you just ran that red light, right? Oh, you didn't realize you ran that red like because Amber was sending you a text about the sweet new heels she bought for sale at Urban Outfitters? Yeah, that's fascinating. Totally worth risking the lives of the people around you.
Look, nothing you're saying is important. Nothing you're talking about via text or over voice is a pressing matter. Is your mother/father/sister/aunt/boyfriend/dog in the hospital, about to keel over and die? What's that? They aren't? And if they were you certainly wouldn't be wasting your time on the phone but rather would be driving at top speed, concentrating solely upon getting to that hospital? Thought so.
"Aw, but if I don't take this call/answer this text then I won't get the topping on the pizza I want! My mom is about to order pizza and she doesn't know what I want!" I never met a pizza where I couldn't just pick off any of the toppings that I didn't like. Unless your mom insists upon ordering a cheese-less pizza covered in anchovy paste and shaved coconut, in which case, I'm willing to bet she'll order a second pizza for you and will therefore wait for you to come home.
It's not like you travel more than 20 miles from wherever it is that you live on a regular basis, how long can it possibly take you to get where you're going that you can't just wait? The status of the person who sent you that text/called you probably isn't going to change in 30 minutes. If Billy calls to ask you out on Saturday night, he's not going to change his mind just because you didn't pick up. "Gee, I guess Sally must be out dating other boys. Better try some other girl. Maybe I'll call Amber, I bet SHE texts and drives!"
You know what's rude? Insisting upon operating a vehicle that you're not even interested in. They have buses if you're too distracted to drive. "Oh, but buses are full of dirty poor people, gross!" you say? Oh good, then you won't be opposed to walking. "But it's so far!" Yeah, well, it's time to prioritize. You can either stay put until your social life dies down or you can unplug yourself from everyone you know for 30 minutes and drive with respect for your fellow human beings. I'm sure your friends and family will still be there when you get out of your car. If they're not, even better! Now you can save on that data plan!
Miss Cynical
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