Rapture Etiquette

Dear Miss Cynical,

I heard that the world is going to end soon. I know this isn't true. However, I have friends who believe that it will and insist that if I don't accept Jesus as my savior, then I'm going to spend the next 5 months drowning in lava or something silly like that. How can I say  "I told you so'" in a way that doesn't make me come off like a jerk?

Little Miss Heathen

Dear Little Miss Heathen

I don't like to say "I told you." I'm often right about things and I have had many opportunities to do so. Like when I said "Psh, there's no WMDs in Iraq, Bush is whack, yo!" (I totally talk like this) or when I insisted that Y2K was no big. It's rude and, anyway, you're just stating the obvious.

Instead of being a smug douche bag, I prefer to simply laugh and laugh and laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, some say, and as someone who has no money to spend on real medicine, I could use all the cheap medicine I can get. So tomorrow (today?), when no one is vacuumed into heaven, when earthquakes don't systematically destroy each time zone one by one, when Jesus doesn't come back, don't say "I told you so!" Your friends will just find an excuse for their misplaced beliefs. You won't change their minds. You won't even impress them with how clever you are.

Instead, laugh at your friends. Then find new friends. Maybe a cat. Cats don't even believe in Jesus, let alone that he's ever going to return.

Miss Cynical

p.s. - In case someone feels as if I'm attacking their Christian beliefs, then let me make you this (secular) offer: on December 20th, 2012, I will re-post this entry. I will re-post it because I know a frenzy will begin over this whole Mayan calendar nonsense. Because these "it's the end of the world!" claims are just that: nonsense. The world isn't going anywhere... unless aliens decide to demolish it to make way for a bypass. So I'm just gonna sit back, relax, laugh and revel in the knowledge that tomorrow will come and go in just the same way every other day has.